Pixie Dust
by badgerpride
Summary: She loved him. Always had, always would.


**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter. The characters are JK Rowling's beautiful creations, I am simply borrowing them.

* * *

The plane was beginning its decent. It was silly, really, wasting good money on muggle travel, but she didn't care. For this trip, she needed some time to think, and flying had always been her favorite thing.

She could see from the aisle seat the view of London and stifled a groan.

Nothing had changed since the day she left seven years ago. It was like time had frozen over her childhood home, like a fossil, just waiting for her to come home.

A summer wedding… what a joke. Lily hated the summer. It was too hot, too humid, too bright. Too much happened during the summer. But needless to say, the summer was the perfect season for the future bride to be, and that made her hate the season even more.

Al was the one to pick her up of course. The mature brother - the responsible brother.

He perked up when he saw her and waved over to her, his smile brighter than ever.

Did I ever smile like that? She wondered to herself, then lifted her bag further up her shoulder.

"Lily! How have you been?" He asked, hugging her close.

"Hey," she replied back and then lead the way to baggage claim as cool and collected as ever. "So where is everyone?" She asked, avoiding all of his pointless questions, and asking one of her own that she already had a vague idea of the answer to.

He waved at the question, "Last minute preparations. It's been a mess these past few weeks. Victoire was afraid everything wasn't going as planned, then Teddy had to go to Belgium for a week. But everything is fine now! You're lucky you missed all the madness!"

She raked her fingers through her flaming red hair, flicking it carelessly over her shoulder with cold calculation that only someone as Lily could ever succeed in doing. Often times it was like she was a frozen flame, a true Slytherin at heart.

"Yeah, I guess I am." She grabbed her suitcase and headed outside.

"So tell me, why fly the muggle way? I know Vancouver is a bit far," he began.

Obviously not far enough, she sniffed to herself.

"I was in the mood and had the money," she said as she dropped her sunglasses to her face.

Al looked at her. "It's really good to see you, Lil. We missed you."

She faltered so quickly that she knew he had missed it and she didn't say a thing.

**oOo**

The Burrow was a chaotic hot mess - more so than usual. Decorations were everywhere, spells were flying, and the clan was running around frantically as if they were searching for something. She stood there in the doorway, unsure of what to do. She felt like a stranger - and she was.

Seven years, she thought to herself with a wince. I have been away all this time...

Her mother had written to her, demanding that she, an adult, come home. Didn't her mother understand?! Didn't her mother of all people know why she left!? Why she wanted to remain gone?!

It was selfish and childish; she'd admit it, but still...

_I love him..._

When Al shut the front door, Annie, who had been walking by glanced over and then squealed in delight. "Lily!"

The entire house grew eerily quiet. Annie threw her arms around her cousin and the now twelve year old held her tight. "It's been so long!"

"Yeah," Lily said, hugging her cousin back loosely, unsure of what to do. The girl had been five, she didn't know if she still went by Annie. If she still loved it when Lily would play with her hair, or dress her up. Did Annie still idolize her older cousin? How could she? She left with only a card and gift on holidays all this time.

Other members began to pool out, smiles set on their faces. James came up next.

Her eldest brother towered over her and his good natured smile set on his face as he ruffled her hair. "Is this actually Lily? Lily Luna Potter?"

"Can it, James," she growled.

"She sounds like Lily? Has Lily's attitude." Then he turned to the hall, "LILY'S HOME!"

**oOo**

She was washing dishes. She always cleaned when she was on edge. Her mother came in to join her as she grabbed a dish. Lily didn't acknowledge her as she scrubbed hard at a bowl.

"It's nice to see you," her mother said quietly.

Lily made no sign that she had even heard her mother.

The woman sighed. "What do you want me to say Lily? That I'm sorry?"

"It'd be a start," Lily sniffed coldly.

"He's your family. And she's your family, too. You should celebrate and be happy for them."

"The day after the wedding I'm going back."

Her mother frowned and set the dishrag on the counter beside the sink. "Fine," she said tartly, "if that's the way you have to be."

Lily ignored her once more.

**oOo**

She was on the floor of the living room. If it had been winter, a fire would have been alive in the grate. She felt annoyed by the nostalgia of her childhood. How she, Hugo, Al, Rose, James, and Teddy would camp down here.

Teddy, being the oldest, was always begged by the little kids and then put in charge.

He always caused the most mischief with James and Al. He always regarded her as a cute pet, and then when she grew up...

She turned in her sleeping bag, swallowing a sigh.

He'd found her today out by the garden, treating her like she'd never left. It stung her that he'd ruffled her hair and regarded her like the girl she'd once been here who chased gnomes and caught the fire flies in a jar.

It left her hollow that he didn't see her as a woman. She'd had many lovers over the years as she tried to replace him, but the man she wanted thought of her as Lily Luna, the fairest flower of them all.

She got up with the idea of getting a drink but once in the kitchen she walked out the door and sat on the ground in the garden.

Teddy and her dad, James and Al had treated her warmly, like the prodigal daughter returning home. Others held bitter resentment - like Hugo. Her former best friend and partner in crime had been cold to her. He'd written to her often when she first left when she assured they'd be pen pals and he could visit. But then she left and felt free, and her old life, her family, they'd seeped through the cracks of her desire.

Everyone else tried awkward small talk or said hi and left. She wasn't family anymore. It wasn't what she'd wanted, per se, but it's what she'd got.

_Why does it matter? You're leaving after today. After this stupid fucking wedding you're out of here._

Her shoulders slumped. It was so easy to be jaded and let her bitterness rule her heart, but she truly knew that it stung to the core to see what she'd given up to try and save herself from seeing Teddy fall in love and be with her beautiful, more charming cousin.

Tears stung her eyes. It was the universe's big joke on her; the big lesson of her story that she'd bitterly have to swallow and somehow move on… again.

She scoffed. It wasn't fair. None of it could ever truly be fair.

She looked up at the sky, lost in the sea of never ending stars, when someone sat beside her. Turning to see who joined her she faced upward again with lightly dusted cheeks.

"I thought I heard someone leave," Teddy said with a grin. His hair was lavender, but he'd promised Victorie he'd have normal colored hair for the wedding. It hurt her to see he wouldn't be teddy for his own wedding.

"Good ears," Lily giggled.

"Well, y'know," he said playfully with an offhanded shrug as his ears transformed into giant grey elephant ears and he wiggled them.

She looked at them mesmerized and his grin faded and ears went back to normal as he looked at her with sad green eyes. "I've missed you, Lily... We all have, really."

Lily swallowed. "I've been busy, I guess."

"All the way around the world is a long place to go."

"It was an opportunity I couldn't pass up."

She didn't look at him. She wouldn't allow herself that glance, she'd cave. She'd collapse like a house of cards and all would be lost for her.

"But for seven years?"

She sighed. "I don't know what you want me to say. Sorry? I'm not really sorry that I left. I needed to go and do this."

Teddy sighed. "I just... I wish you understood how lucky you were."

She scoffed. How lucky she was? Yeah, of course. That was her, alright! Lucky Lily Luna Potter.

"I'm serious. You have a family and you just... I don't know, neglect them."

That made her angry, her blood boiled, but she refused to be baited. She wouldn't let it touch her.

"So how has Canada been?"

"Fine," she ground out.

He sighed. "So when do you leave."

She bit her lip, guilt pooled around her and she swallowed. "The day after your wedding," she whispered.

He looked at her in disappointment and she squirmed.

"We should probably get to sleep, you've got a big day tomorrow."

"Yeah," he sighed. "I guess I do."

**oOo**

Rice showered down from the sky as people enthusiastically tossed it at Teddy and Victorie. Lily grudgingly stood in the back, her trademark scowl in place.

Just a few more hours and you're home free had become her mantra.

They were in the backyard of The Burrow, and she felt utterly exhausted and emotionally drained. She wanted to lie in her fluffy bed, curl up with her cat, eat a ton of ice cream and cry. But mostly, she wanted to sleep and escape the dull ache in her heart. She wanted to go out with her friends, find someone, anyone at all, and pretend it was the one person she wanted.

"It's not your party, you can't cry if you want to," Rose teases as she came up beside her.

Lily shot her a glare with earned a laugh from her bushy headed cousin.

"C'mon, let's get you a fire whiskey."

"Rose Weasley offering me alcohol?" asked Lily with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey, I've changed," she said jokingly. "I have a wild side now."

"Oh I'm sure." Lily grinned halfheartedly.

When they sat down the questions began. That was Rose. Always questioning, always making her think.

"So how's Vancouver?"

"Fine."

"How's the ministry?"

"Good."

"Have any friends."

"A few."

"Boyfriend?"

A snort and a disgusted as if.

"None appeal?"

"They never do."

Rose sighed. "That's kind of unhealthy. No one appeals to you."

She gritted her teeth and willed herself not to look of at Teddy, "Nope."

Rose sighed. "So you're leaving tomorrow?"

"Yep."

"Will you come back again this year?"

Lily faltered, and then shrugged, trying not to feel guilty. "I don't know." She said honestly.

Rose frowned and sipped her drink.

How dare they act like she was the selfish bad guy! Did anyone come to visit her?

No! They were just as bad!

She winced. That wasn't entirely true, she noted, remembering the letters asking if they could and how she'd tell everyone it wasn't a good time, which it wasn't. Vancouver kept her busy. Her friends kept her busy.

There was always somewhere to go, something to see, something to do. She should have let them come along, but...

They hadn't asked in years, and she never followed up on invites.

Selfish, she chastised herself for her family that didn't want to do it for her.

Instead of yelling, they punished her with disappointed looks, offhanded comments, and silence. It was maddening and she couldn't wait to be away from it soon.

Soon, very soon, she'd be gone again. Just a distant memory to be dug up during important occasions, and even then, she would never truly be remembered. They'd never speak of how selfish she was, how cold, they'd talk about her childhood memories, and the thought upset her too much.

She sipped her fire whiskey, feeling bitter. _I'm not a child,_ she thought drunkenly. _I'm not!_

**oOo**

"So you all packed?" Her dad asked.

"Yep, all set."

"Are you sure you can't stay longer? It's been a while, and we haven't had a chance to catch up." Her dad said, but his tone sounded dejectedly optimistic.

He already knew her answer; he just hoped in vain she'd change her mind.

"I can't. I have to be back at work tomorrow."

"You're always so busy."

She shrugged, "Sometimes."

He came into her room and sat on her bed. "I just hope you're not working so hard that you let life pass you by. Family is an incredibly sad thing to waste."

She took a deep breath and began counting backwards.

"I'll write more," she promised, knowing it was empty and insincere.

Her dad looked unimpressed, but still nodded. "I hope so, Lily. I really hope so."

She turned from her dad and grabbed her suitcase, leading the way down to the stairs and out to the car.

**oOo**

Her apartment felt cold. She never realized how impersonal it was. White walls, mismatched furniture she'd found on the cheap.

No pictures to be found anywhere, nothing that screamed Lily, but it did all at the same time. She was cold. She was selfish. She was defeated.

She slumped against the door as her cat; Darcy darted out and began to purr, happy and content that his mistress was home.

Picking up the fat orange cat, Lily went to her bedroom and stripped off her close, letting Genevieve, her closest friend, know she was home safe and crawled into bed.

She lay there looking up at the ceiling remembering how she wanted to jump up and object during vows, how she wanted to tell teddy she loved him the night before, how he looked at her in disappointment. Finally, she broke down and

cried for everything: the family she'd lost, the life she no longer had, and her pathetic love for the boy who saw her as a little kid sister.


End file.
